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Gun Advocate

OK, let’s say (hypothetically) I’m a murderer, rapist and burglar. Naturally, I am a huge advocate of gun control. You have to understand, I have a very hostile working environment. I may go to work tomorrow and break into someone’s home, only to be met by some irate homeowner with a gun who decides to protect his property.

Or, I may attack some woman at night only to find out that she is packing, and decides to defend herself.

Or, worst-case scenario, I may walk into some school with the idea of shooting up the place, only to be confronted by some crazy principal with a gun who shoots me before I can shoot anyone.

It’s a dangerous job. Therefore, I am asking you law-abiding citizens to please petition your senators and representatives to outlaw all firearms. It would sure make my job much easier.

And, don’t let them check my mental records, or I may have trouble buying a gun.

Understand the law would not apply to me because I am a professional outlaw. And it wouldn’t apply to Congress either, because few laws do. Besides, they have their own bodyguards.

OK, I’m just being facetious. I am none of the above, but I think you get my drift.

Remember, if guns kill people, then cars cause accidents and pencils misspell words, and all those other stupid cliches.

Anyway, have a nice day.

America, bless God.

Jim Falconer Sr.


Denton (Denny) Newman Jr.
I've worked at the Brainerd Dispatch with various duties since Dec. 7, 1983. Starting off as an Ad Designer and currently Director of Audience Development. The Dispatch has been an interesting and challenging place to work. I'm fortunate to have made many friends, both co-workers and customers.
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