Ten years after returning from the sands of Iraq, Josh Heldt is determined to complete a physical challenge that looms large as part of his homefront battle with post-traumatic stress.
Josh served with the 1st Combined Arms Battalion, 194th Armor Regiment that was part of the 34th Infantry Division-the Red Bulls. He joined the Minnesota National Guard out of a desire to go to college. After more than a year of deployment, Josh returned home a changed man with a new struggle before him that would strain his family and his own well-being.
When Josh took on the Ironman challenge a year ago, he said he thought it would help him get through his post-traumatic stress disorder. The day ended short of that goal. But Nov. 15 is providing a second chance.
The triathlon combines a sunrise swim of 2.4 miles, biking 112 miles and running a full marathon of 26.2 miles all in a single day with nearly 3,000 competitors. The last finishers must cross the line before midnight. Along the way there are time cutoffs that can end a triathlete's day early. Josh's goal of completing the Ironman fell a handful of minutes short during the bike challenge. A tough, panicky start to the swim in the black waters of what amounts to a wide canal didn't help. And an incline into an atypical headwind of 18 to 20 mph slowed riders in the field to a crawl. What took 25 minutes to cover one way, became an ordeal of an hour or more on the return loop.
Josh took on the 2014 Ironman after suggesting the physical and mental challenge to Gary Walters, known for his annual fundraising challenges. For Walters, whose eldest son served in two tours in Iraq, it was a request by a veteran he couldn't turn down. Walters took on the Ironman for his Kinship Partners challenge for 2014 to raise funds and awareness for the importance of mentors in young lives. Both Josh and Walters struggled with the mass start as thousands of swimmers descended in steady streams into the water in the pre-dawn darkness. But they both overcame their fears to complete the swim in time to continue to the bicycle portion. There, they both fell just minutes short. Josh missed the bike cutoff by 4 minutes, Walters by 7 minutes. But they knew even if they finished the bicycle challenge, there may not have been enough time left to complete the marathon.
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The disappointment of not finishing the challenge was evident in the hours after they were pulled from the course. By the next day, both men were determined to try again. They'll try again Nov. 15 in Tempe, Ariz., joined in the effort by Gary Walters' son Jackson.
The men signed up to take part in the 2015 Ironman the day after their attempt last year, but the Ironman was already full. Competitors typically earn their way into the Ironman by lining the course in various volunteering roles the previous year. This left another avenue for entry, but with an added challenge of needing to raise $5,000.
Last week, Josh was short of the fundraising goal. With four children at home, his wife Marcie went through every option she could think of to make up the remaining funds and couldn't see how it was possible. They'd already included proceeds from a garage sale and supporters at their day care Annie's Childcare and Learning Center knew they were short and set up a bake sale to help.
One of Josh's co-workers at Cub Foods passed previous Dispatch articles about the Heldt family struggles with PTSD on to the United Food and Commercial Workers Union Local 653 and Matt Utecht, union president. Marcie said she was contacted out of the blue when they weren't sure how they could fund the remaining costs by the union, which donated the remaining funds they needed.
Now that the Nov. 15 start date is approaching, the nerves are creeping up for Josh and his wife Marcie. Josh has prepared with an emphasis on biking. The loss of the Brainerd Family YMCA pool was one setback, although the Brainerd High School pool was made available for an hour a week to help Josh and Walters prepare for the swim. For the race itself, they have the advantage of knowing what to expect this time. But this year there are other pressures as well.
"I'm starting to feel the pressure now because people gave so much for this one," Josh said.
Dealing with his PTSD remains a challenge, but the Heldts said things are better.
"I'll always say things are better-it's up and down," Josh said. He said medication is helping. But at the end of the day he can feel the anger and the discomfort with basic things from the light intensity of a Kindle or sounds around the home.
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Marcie said after spending years worrying about everything and anything setting off anger that could lead to rage followed by silence, it's taking time to adjust to not walking on eggshells all the time. She used to wonder how 14 months of service in Iraq could have changed things so much given a lifetime, but learned those lessons based in fear are the ones people cling to. Now after living with it for years Marcie said she's come to understand that more as she works to unwind from the stress of living PTSD at home. She said while medications have helped Josh, it remains almost impossible to get in for counseling. And if she calls the Veterans Administration with concerns, a coordinator checks in with Josh and if he says everything is fine, that's the end of it. Marcie said still in many ways they feel they are on their own in dealing with the PTSD. Going into a 45-day inpatient treatment program isn't an option at this point, Josh said, adding his reticence remains his worry that his family won't be there when he gets out.
As for the PTSD, he said, "It's always going to be there. My depression is not that bad. I still don't like being around people. I don't think that will change now."
Josh was worried about going to a recent 10-year reunion with his unit at Camp Ripley. He was concerned what the reaction was to his openness about his PTSD. It took all of 30 seconds for him to see that wasn't going to be the case. The experience turned out to be a positive one.
"It was nice to see I wasn't alone," he said.
His fellow soldiers understood and some shared his burdens upon their return. In some ways it seems as though they just returned from Iraq.
Marcie continues to worry daily about Josh, who in the past had raised fears he may harm himself. For Josh, he said he hopes finishing this Ironman challenge will fill a void.
"I'm hoping after the Ironman, I feel complete and I don't know I will," Josh said. " ... I can see the finish. To me it represents all the struggles, ups and downs and all that. I haven't even thought about not finishing."
Now Josh said his plan is be aware of the split times, of the cutoff times and to give himself at least eight hours to complete the marathon so if his body has broken down by then, he'll be able to walk and still complete the day in time to qualify as an Ironman.
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"I think I've learned I can do a lot more than I thought if I just set my mind to do it or if Marcie helps me," Josh said.
He said he hopes to do more. They found a community they are trying to be more involved with through the BMX bike meets in Barrows.
He's already reached out to other veterans who are struggling and wants to do more to raise community awareness of those trying to find their way through PTSD. After trying to fundraise themselves they have tried to help others knowing how much goes into the effort.
"It made me realize it was something we could do," Marcie said. "We learned you ask and people will help."
Marcie said coming out and talking about their struggles with PTSD as a family was life-changing. "We did feel like we were hiding. We were scared to talk about it. ... It's not something we try to hide or keep in the house and hope no one knows. We just try to embrace it. It's our life and we just try to do ... the best we can."
RENEE RICHARDSON, associate editor, may be reached at 218-855-5852 or renee.richardson@brainerddispatch.com . Follow on Twitter at www.twitter.com/Dispatchbizbuzz .
Story note: This story was updated to remove a note saying no other Brainerd unit had been called to action between the Red Bulls activation for Iraq and World War II. The reference was specific to the Red Bulls not indicative of every service member from Brainerd.
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